A LUMP (Praise to Cancer Survivors- as we celebrate 4th Day )

As I stand in front of mirror
how ugly I felt
recalling the last day
of college entitled as
Ms Farewell draped in pink saree
with long black hairs
call it as a curse to my family
but now I call it as a blessing to me

not a misery, but as a bliss I take it
Scariest day
Sleepless nights
when doctors diagnosed a lump
growing and rising
rapidly and progressively
inside my body
undergone therapies
underwent surgeries

how popular I was overnight
on newspapers
in the society
as a motivation
stating me as
a fighter
but I call myself
as a beautiful survivor who
went through it all
thriving

who learnt
a new meaning
of life
thanking God each millisecond
for each breath I took
thanking God for a
life he gave me
to re live
as I was reborn
as an inspiration
whose life halted and stopped
but I didn’t.

Single, ready to mingle ?Married and trapped ?

At times we feel so complete as a person, that we think we don’t need a companion to live but at the end of the day, everyone needs her/ him to feel loved and to live. We as humans always need a shoulder to lean on, we are independent humans who are struggling and thriving in a world where we always need him/her to depend upon.

Is it a feeling of happiness when You and Only Me changes to Us and finally to We in years ?

Is it better at times to be alone? or is it better to be with someone all alone who knows your all faces, your darkest secrets and weirdest fantasies?

When we live only for ourselves turn into living for him, for them a sense of responsibility, a sense of confidence, a sense of family instills and we change as a person. If you are single, then you are just a lonely and complete as a person and if you are married you have been trapped by your better half who completes you. If you are single you are surely strong and independent, and if you are married you have a strong hubby and family to lean on. If you are single, don’t worry as your family will not let you cherish your singlehood for a long time and one day you would be sitting with him and inlaws and your naughty kids would be hanging on his shoulders in a family photograph.

What do you prefer, a breakfast at bed at whatever time you wish or making omelets and parathas for in-laws or dining out at lavish restaurants with him and your kids in Singapore.

Being an online addict and ordering stuff, your favorite dresses and footwear or going to a mall and buying a Nutella and Mammy poki pants for them with your hubby and every month going to supermarket to splurge money on dal chawal namak mirch haldi besan and etc.

Coming to room, all alone a cup of your favourite flavor vanilla latte making all by yourself in an electric kettle, arranging your bed and taking a nap with headphones in or reaching home tired, all sweaty and receiving your kids calling out mommy and hugging you tightly and then making rotis for your inlaws and his favourites cuisines as you love being a chef for the family, especially for him.

Hanging out with friends, planning a date, a girls day out, a night out or a walk to remember with him or a trip to the Himalayas with your own family and then stopping a car as one of your kid has an urge to void at the most strange time when you know that no restrooms exist at this road for the next thousand kilometers.

Being single forever without insecurities and without worrying about your wallet, about your privacy, about your time or being with someone who is always insecure about losing you, who is always hindering your privacy as they always want to play on their mom’s phone.

Weeping to a pillow or weeping on shoulders when you feel down.

Having a savings account all alone owned by you ? or having a mutual financial account or sometimes him being your ATM card when you run out of money as you have splurged all your bucks on Amazon and Flipkart in a single day and now you badly need his credit card to pay for the gifts that you added in your cart months back ago for your favorite nand, for chacha, chachi, for their kids and their kids who live in the USA and the cycle goes on.

When ‘I don’t share food’ turns to ‘ ‘You can even have the last bite of pizza as I am not hungry’ as you say to your kids but deep down your satiety center is yelling for food.

From being a Dad princess and mom’s girl you turn into his favorite princess and their daughter too.

A table for one when turns into a table for two and after years a table for four (Hum do, hamare do).

What can be more comforting than sleeping in a cold cozy night with a blanket, all alone on a king-sized bed howsoever you wish or sleeping at the edge of the king-sized bed in his arms as you both cuddle and handling his snoring at times?

Free to roam whenever and wherever you wish or planning a trip according to both’s official schedule and then a time comes when you have to arrange a trip according to their school holidays, their exams, their studies.

Dressing up as the sexiest girl for the prom night in a blue lace dress with heels or dressing up only for him in black saree which he presented to you for the first anniversary.

Being a size zero? or having a protruding belly as your nine months journey finally come to an end to enjoy motherhood?

The ones who are single are mostly eager to mingle and the ones who are married mostly think of it as a trap.

But whatever, wherever we are whether as single or married, it has its pros and cons, we will always find happiness in, either way, decide for yourself.

She as He !

As Her it was becoming too difficult to feel loved and live, to struggle, late-night shedding tears all alone in my room, no one even cared to look back or ask, my roommates were numb it seemed like, a caked up face every morning to hide the scars, but finally I decided to wore a mask of He and then how happy I was, how superior I felt how free I felt, as a tomboy and I was popular among all in a day, smile on my face always but a lot of painful feelings that were getting buried deep down in my heart as a girl, waking up every morning and calling out to my male friends to jog and have a bike ride was far easier than maintaining relations with girls who always used to judge me, misjudge me on types of clothes I wear, hairstyle I had, or makeup I applied and being with male friends as a tomboy I could keep a messy look, an untidy sweaty look and no one cared, and now I could raise my voice as them without being misjudged. Every girl from my college had boycotted me because I was a He as She. But eventually when the mask falls off every night I was getting trapped more in a dark pitch, a voice was calling out to change me again, to be again a girl who loved getting dolled up, a girl who had no one to share emotions, a girl who was weeping all night and she only had her pillow to comfort her, a girl who was searching He to read the pain behind those deep eyes that were still of She, but now I had already given up and this tomboy was keeping me ecstatic as before, I had never felt too safer and superior among bunch of male friends and too free around them and now striving and thriving as an acid attack victim became easier.

As the mask fall off I was She with unseen scars that were now left unseen, but fewer people were ready to accept it, so I gave up to be Her and accepted to be He.

I wish I could be him !

As men rule the world, the more I wish that I must have entered as an XY chromosome, rolled up sleeves of tee, a tight fit jeans or low waist with revealing undergarments and no one even cares or bothers to look back, a crop top, belly button visible or a body wrapped in cloth everyone sees me as an object, a shame on me that I am treated as their toy as a girl or I get raped when I am alone walking on streets. I want to be a male to feel safer in an unsafe world.

I wish to be an XY with a bottle of vodka in one hand and binge watching tv shows like a couch potato till late night with a bunch of friends with no restrictions and entering my house after midnight after jumping from fence illegally in a legal way.

Having a past affair and loads of girlfriends at the same time and still, I would be defined as a stud and no one will point a finger on me when I leave her, the way society points on me today when my marriage broke off and relationship failed. I want to be a male so that I can be judged but can be misjudged less.

I wanna be a male with fewer rules and regulations, and more freedom and fewer boundaries and boundations and when someone will abuse me in office I will be able to punch him in face without being questioned, what as a girl I regret that my office employees sometimes regard me as an object when I reach dressed up.

A bike ride and snatching her bag and eve teasing a girl on road would be fun without even going behind the bars.

I wish to be a male because I hate shaving and getting my body waxed, and moreover as soon as my beard will grow I will be a man and if beard does not grow as soon as I hit puberty, I would be just a chocolate boy, but not a girl who would always be body trolled for facial hairs and hairs growing on upper lips.

I want to be a male who would be judged but less misjudged sitting on a terrace and laughing out loud with bunch of friends and not a girl who would be judged by the way she behaves or sits with a crossed leg or open legs in a public or by fair or dusky skin, a girl who would not be regarded as beautiful on basis of weight and external appearances.

I want to be an XY chromosome living a life more freely and less restricted in a world where men are regarded as equal to women, but inequality always overpowers equality at times of job opportunities, household chores, and a shame on me when I faced body shaming for carrying a baby inside my womb for 9 months long. I was born as a woman to get respect as men, but my dignity was sometimes disgraced instead of getting dignified.

As much motivated I felt, as much unmotivated I was !

It was 8 am and I woke up too unmotivated and with blues, an unsatisfied life I had and I was searching for satisfaction, reached college, one of my colleagues was sitting at the corner seat quietly and from here and there I came to know till afternoon, that her brother was murdered by goons last night, he had gone with his friends on a trip, I cried and tears could not stop, but I smiled the whole day as I was searching for satisfied life and someone was searching for a life which was taken up unexpectedly and unpredictably.

On the way as I walked further, I met an old man sitting near a tree, with torn and shabby clothes and was collecting bucks for his daughter as she was diagnosed with cancer, I consoled him and felt pity but I smiled the whole day as I was kicking my contented life and someone was begging for a life.

I moved further and saw mob gathered around and came to know that a mishap took place some half an hour ago and three school children lost their lives, I felt bad for them, for their parents but I smiled the whole day as I was being discontented and someone at such a tender age lost a life even without their fault.

I moved on the way with a chaotic mind remembering that its just a bad day, a rough day but not a bad life, I felt too motivated the whole day to keep going on with a smile on face. I finally reached home, knelt on ground and a tear shed down my cheeks in love of God for the life He has provided me and I felt blessed for the blessings He has sent me.

Today I woke up as new Me, with a new zeal, and as more motivated and less unmotivated soul.

Depression blues !

Struggling with struggles of life,

Battling with battles of life,

on war with its chaotic mind,

how he was losing himself in the process

worthless he felt

hopeless he was

sleepless night he had

trying to fight his own demons everyday

an insomniac mind that never slept

in a crowd of people, how lost and how lonely he was

standing in front of mirror

he could see high aspirations and ambitions in his eyes

but low self-esteem on his face

how he was trying to explain the pain behind those deep eyes

how he stopped moving on, but life was still moving on

the unsaid words

the unexpressed expressions all came to an end one day because it was uneasy to live but easy to die.

Yes, Mr Xyz was suffering from depression, he had consulted best neurosurgeon of the city, but because of not early diagnosis and treatment he had to end all, we are surrounded by people like him, like us, like you who are broken emotionally, mentally, socially or physically.We are souls who feel unblessed in a blessed life we have, how ungrateful we are in a grateful life and how unsatisfied we are in a satisfied life. You as me suffer from depression blues which is not your fault, but your minds fault because your brain has started releasing neurotransmitters which sent you a ‘bad signal’ about life that has been given to you by God and we think of ending it.

Depression is a mental condition which is common among youth, which ultimately leads to suicide.

Do you feel hopeless ? worthless? and think of giving up your life just because a wish made by you was not a Gods wish and he had better plans for you and maybe best.

You got rejected ? because you were being re directed to something better or maybe you were not destined to stay together forever.

You got fired from job ? because better job opportunities were coming your way.

You failed ? the cookie crumbled as you were proceeding towards success to reach the top of mountain.

Depression can be cope up and can be treated in ways before it turns into a life threatening condition (chronic depression). The ways to cope up are as follows –

1 . Fighting depression is not easy as you lose yourself in the process but it is not impossible.

2. Seek professional help – Counselling from a close friend, or family member or from a health instructor work wonders.

3. Self care is important, helping yourself emotionally, mentally, socially and physically. Self care means learning to keep your soul and mind calm and harmonious.

4. Keeping your 32 Gb RAM of head space memory free from negativity of life.

5. Not being a couch potato always and spending sometime with nature.

6. Giving some of your time in activities you love that make your serotonin and dopamine levels go high.

7. Stop self doubting on yourself and on your capabilities.

8. Smiling everyday like a Cheshire cat and not being an angry bird.

9. ‘ Strange how you decorate pain’ but how your forget to decorate it in your way, because trapped in midst of tragedies of life, striving and thriving you are always learning to change and if you don’t change, you don’t learn.

10. Most importantly drench your soul in love of God because the more you believe in God the more things start falling in right place at right time.

Try to fight the evil and devil mind of yours and day will not be far behind when you will look back and realise why because of an illogical silly reason you thought of ending up all.

You lose them once you let them know !

Aaj tumko na bataya hota ki tum meri zindagi ka aham hissa ho ya kahun ki mere zindagi mei kya ahmiyat rakhty ho, to shayad aaj tum meri zindagi hoty !

Don’t give importance to anyone in your life more then yourself, the day they start realising that you love them more then yourself, they start drifting and ripping your heart.

Ya to ye kahun ki aaj bataya na hota ki tumsey mohabbat jo itny hai, to shayad aj tum meri zindagi hoty.

Once you start loving yourself, falling in love with you, with yourself, the day will not be far behind when they will start falling in love with you and you will become their intoxication.

You can never be me, and I can never be you !

Oh yeah yes I heard it right last night about the prom night, you were trying to imitate her at the party, because you wanted to look flawless like her, Did you tried everything just to be like her or him? I guess now you have an ugly caked face because you tried to be one which you cannot be even in next thousand generations. I guess now he looks a real ugly gentleman because he pretended to be like him.

Everyone is unique and so am I, no one can be like you and even you can’t be like someone, because the karyotype of your chromosomes differs, the genes differ, the blood running in your body differs, then how can you even believe in being someone else or him/ her.

Everyone is different and unique in an incredible way, So don’t waste your time in being a copy of someone else, just be original, because at the end of the day only you and your originality matters.

Stop imitating people and start believing in yourself and in discovering yourself, with time you will realize that you never needed to be them or him or her because you were a beautiful piece who just needed to be only Y O U!

A new age love !

A relation

The famous love birds of college

Or just facebook favorite couples

Who are strangers at night behind four-walled rooms of the house

You told me you love me the way you told her in the next room when I was away

I told you I miss you, the way I texted him that I still miss him when you were away

Millions of promises we make, or I must say fake promises we make

Was it love or loneliness?

You met her, the way I meet him daily when you are out of town

and we define it as love

A date over a cup of coffee with him, when you were out with her on a candlelight dinner

and we call it love

A million memories or I must say tonnes of snapshots in the gallery which even don’t matter when we are away.

A truck loaded with surprises and gifts but not even a single text when I needed you the most when my mom was on death bed taking her last breath.

and then a break up

But everything is right

As night falls

Bodies intertwined with each other

Lying in bed

and how we lied to each other

Just because of lust that overpowered love

and I allowed you to touch my naked body

Just because I was laying on your bare chest because she was out of town

Physically attached

Emotionally and mentally detached

and we define it as love.

A tomboy

From cargo pants,Sports shoes

A messy bun

A messy ponytail

A messy look

With no kohl

Just a dash of lip balm

To a red suit

With red bangles on

A bindi

A vermilion on forehead

and an embroidered flaunting dupatta

Here i stand dolled up

From binge watching football world cups

Cricket matches

Cheering up for Batista and Undertaker

to saas-bahu serials now with your mom all evening

A bunch of male friends, bike rides

An 8am wake up call for jogging

to an 8am call for breakfast

preparing your favourite cuisines

From knowing nothing about cooking

To now setting up table,

Preparing omelettes and parathas for your family

From the days when doing laundry, I hated the most to changing bedsheets and washing clothes every Sunday

A messed up cupboard to well stacked clothes of us and kids

amazes me now

How your love has turned me

Changed me

From an unbothered sweaty tomboy

to a neatly well dressed french braided lady,

Maybe at times I fail to carry these heavy embroidered dupattas

and embarrass you in front of relatives and family members

Because still I have not learnt to carry myself in lehngas and shalwar suits

But how your love has changed me

how things I used to hate the most

have become things I love the most

When i realize that they put up a cheerful smile on your

and on your mom’s face.