आज गुफ्तगू करते हुए
तुझे होंठों पर जो लगाया
तो समझ आया
मानो तेरी वो महकती इलाइचीदार महक
और वो अदरकी ज़ायका
ऐसा लगा मानो ये जिस्म में ताज़गी आगयी हो
अब तो तुमसे ह ये सुबह की शुरुआत है
तुम पर ही बस ये ख़तम रात है
ऐसा लगा मानो मुझसे तू नहीं
लेकिन तुझसे तो बस में ही हूँ
ए चाय यार भी है
ये गुफ्तुगू भी है इन ठंडी हवाओं की शाम में
लेकिन यदि तू न होती
तो मेरी गुफ्तगू में मै ज़िंदा कैसे होती
INTERNATIONAL CHAI DAY
15 th December, 2019
On the name of made-up feminism
She drank
She smoked
She wore a mini skirt
but when someone
Pointed her
Exposed undies
and bra strap
She Raised her voice proving them wrong
Behind her fake
Veil of feminism
Knowing that
She was wrong
On the name of made-up feminism
She talks about periods
She boasts about pregnancy
But was it His fault
Not to be born with a uterus
On the name of women
She lodges complain
Of sexual assault on him
Who has not even touched a girl once
But behind the veil
Of fake feminism
She knew she wanted name and fame
On the name of made-up feminism
She slept with twenty men
and justified it because he slept with thirty
She wants to be treated superior
But she forgets
That feminism was not about
Male bashing
But about Ms Laxmi Agarwal getting opportunities
In the same way, as Ms. Kom got In the male world
and powers that Ms. Indira received
Where Patriarchy ruled
The rights that Ms Banu received was feminism
It was about
Right to vote
Right to educate
And equal rights
For dark and fair-skinned
As for taller and shorter
Not right to supersede men
Or to bash men
Feminism was not
about superiority
but about equality
Feminism was not about
Doing illegal things legally
But about legal rights done legally.
Tumko bhul kar bhi
Bhul na paya hoon
Tera zikr ho
aur Abhi bhi labb thartharajate
mehfil mei
Bas chupa leta hu wo apni
aankhon k Mohabbat kese bhi
Jise pas mei baitha yaar ye na bol de
Wo to teri kuch bhi na thi na
Lekin kya ab bhi sab kuch hai
Jab koi yaar bol deta
ki aj wo dekha uske
Photo updates FB par
Mana kah deta hoon
Mai to usko bhul Chuka h
Lekin phir ghar jaake
puri rat tera timeline
Scroll karta hoon
Aur phir ye phone k gallery to
Ab tak saboot hain ki
Teri tasveerein to usmei ese hain
jese dil m ab tak tu basi hai
Aaj bhi jab koi khubsurat ladki
bhi line mar de Lekin tere wo khule
baal aur nain mei kajal
aur wo natkhat hasi jese khubsurti
Usmei dhundta hu
Tere Jane k Baad
Bahut sey ladkyan aayi
Zindagi mei
Bahut sey kahta hu pyar hua
Lekin tere jesa pyar
to sach batau hua h nahin
Tere Jane k Baad
Mano samjh Gaya
Ye Dil
Ye rat ke aansoon
aur ye hath mei sutta bhi ab to gawah hain
Meri Mohabbat ke
Jise Mane thukra Dia
Rula Dia
Wo h thi bas meri
aur Mana aj Mai tera nahin Lekin Aj bhi tu h hai bas meri.
As I stand in front of mirror
how ugly I felt
recalling the last day
of college entitled as
Ms Farewell draped in pink saree
with long black hairs
call it as a curse to my family
but now I call it as a blessing to me
not a misery, but as a bliss I take it
Scariest day
Sleepless nights
when doctors diagnosed a lump
growing and rising
rapidly and progressively
inside my body
undergone therapies
underwent surgeries
how popular I was overnight
on newspapers
in the society
as a motivation
stating me as
a fighter
but I call myself
as a beautiful survivor who
went through it all
thriving
who learnt
a new meaning
of life
thanking God each millisecond
for each breath I took
thanking God for a
life he gave me
to re live
as I was reborn
as an inspiration
whose life halted and stopped
but I didn’t.
Until and unless they detected my sex I was happy
A beating heart
A functional lungs
A racing brain
A healthy baby girl I was
But they made me unhappy eventually
My heart ceased
breaths came to an end
Before I could live, I had to face death
Before entering this world I had to leave it
Unethically I was killed by doctors on grounds of medical ethics
There were tears of happiness in their eyes and tears of grief in mine
I was a normal child without a defect but just a defect in my gender
As I was a female fetus and not a male
As soon as I was born
I was aborted and terminated
because I was an unsuccessful female according to them
and they wanted a successful male who could make them proud in future
They could not afford me as they were poor and they believed only he could make them rich
I was a burden to them, without even wondering that I would be not be weighing them ever on my shoulders as a burden but as my pride.
The ones who made me die had taken birth from my ribs
They decided my fate without my consent
My destiny was in their hands
and they decided to end it before I could live it
Before I could prove to them that I could carry their families name in future
They proved me that they were ashamed of having me
I felt ashamed too, not because they were but because I was born in their family
Where I was dishonored where I believed to be honored for life
Where I was disapproved and I was waiting to be approved for life
Tomorrow I would not be there, but there would be more like me
Who would be destructed and destroyed
Before they could build themselves
Please save me and save them too
I am a girl child
I am a bliss too
and regard me as a blessing
‘She was a healing music to my monotonous soul, amidst darkness I had found heaven, home in her’
Three months back, An overcrowded hall and how only her eyes caught my attention there was something magical about her dazzling eyes which spoke so much, how can someone look so beautiful in a black attire, a beautiful smile on her face and how she caught my attention and looked at me ( Maybe because I was staring at her for last fifteen minutes) and how she blushed but turned her face and got engaged in giggling and gossiping with her bunch of friends.
Maybe an attraction or infatuation for her but I was overwhelmed by my own feelings for the first time in my life, as it was love at first sight for me.
Her one smile and it seemed like my whole world has lit up again and my soul has reignited again.
I mustered up courage and walked towards her.
With time how we became friends, or maybe more than friends and less than lovers, from unknown to known in such a short span of time and the journey started of late night gossips and giggles.
The first time I held her hands I knew this was the girl for whom I was waiting for.
I had never fallen so much for a girl in my entire life but there was something about her, about her eyes and smile which was melting my heart away. She taught me to re live and re-love again in midst of hell.
Days went on, months passed on, and now I was sure about my unexpressed emotions and unsaid words but I was unsure about her feelings so I finally decided to make a move and propose her.
How glad I was while buying a white gown for her, which will add her to beauty making her the most beautiful bride, or imagining her as the most beautiful ‘MY’ wife, on the way to her home, I bought a ring and bouquet of red roses and a whirlpool of emotions were racing through my mind as I was heading towards her home.
Will it ruin my friendship? Or will it lead us to oceans of love ?my insane heart wondered insanely
But as I reached, I could see a big black lock hanging on the front gate. My body was filled with intense fear.
Was it fear of losing her? Had I lost her now ?
After intriguing from neighbors nobody knew the whereabouts of her. A week passed on and she was untraced, I had sleepless nights and there was no response from her side making me more anxious and curious. Hopelessly and worthless, days kept on passing on.
A month passed on, I was getting ready for office and suddenly my phone rang at eight in the morning, and I received a call from an unknown number and I got a hunch that it was her. Yes it was her, a call from police station stating me that they have found her, as this time of point no one could be happier than me. My happiness was beyond limitations and I start gasping heavily with happiness. I picked up the same white gown which was hanging in my closet for the last one month, and hurriedly drove my car toward police station.
As I reached, shockingly I saw her lying on the floor wrapped in a white cloth, my life halted, still her eyes mesmerize me, there was something about it, yes a grief, and a pain behind her smile that I could never read as she had attempted suicide. She lies here forever and now I lie next to her forever and as we lay in each others arms till eternity ” a tear rolled down his mother’s cheek as she closes his diary which had their memories.
Here he comes in a black attire, he was the most charming man I have seen in my life, with brown dazzling eyes, a gentleman he looked and I was dressed up in a white flaunting gown as it was a day, a moment of love confession and confrontation as our families had assembled for it.
as I knelt down on the ground to propose him with a bouquet of red roses, a grin on his face I could see, and a spark in his eyes I could feel. How hurriedly he hugged me, wrapped a ring around my finger.
‘And then who said its always the guy who makes the first move ‘
Today he is the perfect full stop in my life and I could say that it’s the best move I made in my life without a regret.
At times we feel so complete as a person, that we think we don’t need a companion to live but at the end of the day, everyone needs her/ him to feel loved and to live. We as humans always need a shoulder to lean on, we are independent humans who are struggling and thriving in a world where we always need him/her to depend upon.
Is it a feeling of happiness when You and Only Me changes to Us and finally to We in years ?
Is it better at times to be alone? or is it better to be with someone all alone who knows your all faces, your darkest secrets and weirdest fantasies?
When we live only for ourselves turn into living for him, for them a sense of responsibility, a sense of confidence, a sense of family instills and we change as a person. If you are single, then you are just a lonely and complete as a person and if you are married you have been trapped by your better half who completes you. If you are single you are surely strong and independent, and if you are married you have a strong hubby and family to lean on. If you are single, don’t worry as your family will not let you cherish your singlehood for a long time and one day you would be sitting with him and inlaws and your naughty kids would be hanging on his shoulders in a family photograph.
What do you prefer, a breakfast at bed at whatever time you wish or making omelets and parathas for in-laws or dining out at lavish restaurants with him and your kids in Singapore.
Being an online addict and ordering stuff, your favorite dresses and footwear or going to a mall and buying a Nutella and Mammy poki pants for them with your hubby and every month going to supermarket to splurge money on dal chawal namak mirch haldi besan and etc.
Coming to room, all alone a cup of your favourite flavor vanilla latte making all by yourself in an electric kettle, arranging your bed and taking a nap with headphones in or reaching home tired, all sweaty and receiving your kids calling out mommy and hugging you tightly and then making rotis for your inlaws and his favourites cuisines as you love being a chef for the family, especially for him.
Hanging out with friends, planning a date, a girls day out, a night out or a walk to remember with him or a trip to the Himalayas with your own family and then stopping a car as one of your kid has an urge to void at the most strange time when you know that no restrooms exist at this road for the next thousand kilometers.
Being single forever without insecurities and without worrying about your wallet, about your privacy, about your time or being with someone who is always insecure about losing you, who is always hindering your privacy as they always want to play on their mom’s phone.
Weeping to a pillow or weeping on shoulders when you feel down.
Having a savings account all alone owned by you ? or having a mutual financial account or sometimes him being your ATM card when you run out of money as you have splurged all your bucks on Amazon and Flipkart in a single day and now you badly need his credit card to pay for the gifts that you added in your cart months back ago for your favorite nand, for chacha, chachi, for their kids and their kids who live in the USA and the cycle goes on.
When ‘I don’t share food’ turns to ‘ ‘You can even have the last bite of pizza as I am not hungry’ as you say to your kids but deep down your satiety center is yelling for food.
From being a Dad princess and mom’s girl you turn into his favorite princess and their daughter too.
A table for one when turns into a table for two and after years a table for four (Hum do, hamare do).
What can be more comforting than sleeping in a cold cozy night with a blanket, all alone on a king-sized bed howsoever you wish or sleeping at the edge of the king-sized bed in his arms as you both cuddle and handling his snoring at times?
Free to roam whenever and wherever you wish or planning a trip according to both’s official schedule and then a time comes when you have to arrange a trip according to their school holidays, their exams, their studies.
Dressing up as the sexiest girl for the prom night in a blue lace dress with heels or dressing up only for him in black saree which he presented to you for the first anniversary.
Being a size zero? or having a protruding belly as your nine months journey finally come to an end to enjoy motherhood?
The ones who are single are mostly eager to mingle and the ones who are married mostly think of it as a trap.
But whatever, wherever we are whether as single or married, it has its pros and cons, we will always find happiness in, either way, decide for yourself.
Without touching me you touched my soul.
Without interacting our eyes said it all and you were gone.
As we glanced and I knew that we were in love? Or maybe only I understood that it was Love?
But you had already gone, and so many unsaid words and unexpressed emotions which I could never explain and express were left halfway and words got buried deep down in my heart.
We were neither best friends nor friends, just acquaintances, or just strangers but I knew there was something between us, the day I saw you I already knew that we crossed each others path with a purpose, a spark between us.
Was it an infatuation ? or attraction? It could never be defined in these months and you were gone, you disappeared, destiny had already decided to drive us apart. Every day I was trying to fill the void of loneliness with happiness but deep down I was unhappy, time went on, days passed on and there was no trace about you. But I had a belief that you were mine and with this belief, I started living, every morning every evening with a hope that you will come back one day, but more days passed on, a year passed and finally, I moved on as you did.
Now you became an unaccomplished memory of my life.
A year later it was a cold Dec evening and a doorbell rang and I could not believe it was you standing at my door I leaped and hugged you tightly. As you hold me closely a sense of warmth ran through my body but my tears could not stop.
But wait Were they tears of happiness? or Was it something else?
I moved back and a bewildered look on your face as I pushed you back.
“What happened? Are you not glad ?” You asked me.
A million thoughts and a hundred feelings were racing through my mind. I sat down on the couch as I placed my hands on your lap and as you wiped my tears, as you removed my hairs that were falling on my eyes, a bruise like a mark was on my face, on my neck, on my body were visible.
Were they marks of loneliness? Or something else?
What is this ? in a timid voice you asked
a mark of my husband with whom I was married months back but our marriage broke off as he was gone, I answered
Was he gone? Or because I let him go? as I was searching for you in him (my wandering mind wondered)
They were marks of loneliness, marks of him which I tried to fill after you were gone.
Tears in your eyes as you hugged me tightly and your arms around my waist and as I held you close and my hands moved on your back as we made our first passionate kiss.
Today I realized that there was something about my belief that was a truth, there was something passionate about you as the kiss that we made, magical between us, a love, a real love that you were afraid to accept and I was nervous to confess as we both were striving in a world to thrive.
Love can hurt you sometimes, but today it mended my soul, destiny had already decided to drift us apart as our names were already written together in heaven ages back ago.
A lesson cum blessing you were
As you left me
With a mark on my body
A scar on my soul
and an imprint on my heart
A pain
A grief
A despair
You were
An unseen scar which I could only see
An unfelt scar which I could only feel
But as you left
A change I was
A no more before I was
A no more sad soul I was
A no more unloved I was
As you made me fall in love with myself
The bits and pieces that were left torn
Were now weaving back
A new change I was
A better change I was
A blessing cum lesson you were
As you left me incomplete
But complete now I was.
Sparkle and shine 